The Art of Creating the Roast Beef Sandwich
I'm really excited. Do you know why? I'll tell you why. I'm excited because I have decided to have a roast beef sandwich for lunch.

Now, you're probably thinking that making a roast beef sandwich is no big deal. This opinion, however, is far from the truth. You've clearly never had one of my roast beef snadwiches. That's too bad, really, because they are amazing. Everyone is good at making something. Dave has his mix CD's, Frisbee team has their tie-dye shirts, and I have my roast beef sandwiches (and chocolate frappes, but that's another topic completely).

Since I like spreading joy, I would love it if each and every one of you had the experience of eating one of my awesome roast beef sandwiches. Alas, I cannot possibly make a trip to all of your kitchens and make you each one myself. So, I will do the next best thing. I will share with the world my recipe and technique for making the ultimate roast beef sandwich. And when I say ultimate, I do mean ultimate, because if the world were inhabited by different kinds of roast beef sandwiches, and the end of the world came, my roast beef sandwiches would be the last ones left surviving. Yes, they're that freakin' good.

To start, you'll need four basic consumable items: bread, mayonaise, cheese, and roast beef. You can find these at your local grocery store, or perhaps right in your refrigerator.

Let's now go over the various varieties of these items that make the best (and worst) roast beef sandwich.

THE BREAD: This is the most underrated part of the roast beef sandwich. It holds it together, and acts as a buffer item, preventing your teeth and tounge from getting to the meat and cheese to early. This ingredient also happens to be the one that is least flexible when making the perfect roast beef sandwich. It must be white bread. Do not, I repeat, do not use anything except for white bread. Also, make sure to use brands that produce hearty fluffy loaves of bread. Don't use slices of bread that are square-shaped or less than thirty square inches.

THE MAYONAISE: Mayonaise is essential when making a roast beef sandwich. Neglect it, and your sandwich will come out dry as a Saltine cracker. What specific brand of mayonaise you use is up to you. Most taste very similar, although Cain's seems to have the most original and different taste. If you like it, use it. I personally prefer more standard-tasting mayonaise such as Hellman's. Of course, Hellmann's tatses just like most no-name-brands such as Hanaford and Market Basket, and is only more expensive.

THE CHEESE: So we've come to the cheese, the ingredient that makes every Deli sandwich into a manwich. The cheese is pivotal, and is the one ingredient you can be completely daring and original with. I've actually never gone wrong with my cheese selections. Now, my specific ultimate roast beef sandwich is made with three slices of cheese. You can go all out and do three different kinds if you want, or you can be boring and use three slics of the same cheese, but I find that it's best to use two slices of one kind and one of another. My favorite combination is two slices of provolone and one of muenster. Other cheeses that work well are American and cheddar. Try to avoid swiss cheese in this sandwich. It just doesn't fit.

THE ROAST BEEF: You really can't go wrong here. The mroe expensive the roast beef, the more rich and exquisite it is, but that's not always even a good thing. Just go with your gut. Delis all over serve what is essentially the same roast beef. Just buy it siced thinly for sandwich-making conveniences, and you're good to go.

Now that you're all set on what to make the sandwich with, it's time to explain how to assemble it all. I will do so with a step-by-step list of the process.

1. Get a plate and a spreading knife.
   
2. Put two slices of bread on the plate.
   
3. Stick the knife into the jar of mayonaise. If you have the squeezable mayonaise, good for you. Skip this step.
   
4. Spread the mayonaise to cover every square centimeter of the face-up side of each slice of bread. Do not be afraid to go overboard. Remember, you are making the ultimate roast beef sandwich. It is okay to consume more calories than most health experts would deem suitable enough.
   
5. Take two slices of the same cheese and place them each on the right side of their respective slices of bread. It is important to put them both to the same side. Since your slice of bread should be bigger than your cheese, you will need to make sure every bite of the sandwich conatinas an ample amount of cheese. Placing both slices in the center would result in a sandwich that tastes lame around the edges. Placing one on the left and one on the right would result in stacking one edge of the sandwich when the bread slices are flipped on top of one another. While it may look odd at first, it is necessary to place both slices of cheese on the right (or left) of the mayonaise-covered bread.
   
6. Place sufficient amounts of roast beef on each slice of bread. Two layers on each should do the trick. Make sure to cover every square centimeter.
   
7. Place the final slice of cheese on one of the two pieces of bread, right in the center.
   
8. Take the other piece of bread and flip it onto the one with the final slice of cheese.
   
9. Press firmly on the sandwich, but not too hard. The bread should still be mostly fluffy after this.

Congratulations. Your sandwich has been made. Now take a bite out of it and enjoy the heavenly taste. Whatever you do, do not cut the sandwich unless you are splitting it with a friend. You should start at the crust and end at the crust, just like God wants you to.

I know the sandwich isn't completely perfect, but that's because I didn't make it.

Once you have made a good dozen or so, you can try to complete more daring challenges, like putting salt on the meat without ruining the taste of the bread or cheese. If you feel like an arrogant expert, you can move on to pepper or other spices. The possibilities are endless.

Anyway, hopefully by now you can see why I feel so excited about making my sandwich.